Goodbye Billy Buuz

Mummy had a dream last night and realised I have to let you go. Mummy was clinging on, not letting you go and could not accept that you are not going to read this. Again just like we had to let go your body, Mummy now has to let go your spirit. Mummy can not depart from you, even though this blog is Mummy's and created it for you, Mummy feels as if it is something I can't let go easily. Mummy will never forget you my baby, you came for a very short time and left us tragically. Mummy's got a hole inside that nobody can ever fix or nothing can mend even tiny bit of it. Mummy will wish every baby to be happy with their Mummy not departing like us. Mummy is so so sorry that Mummy was not able to keep you safe and healthy. I know it was nobody's fault, but Mummy feels I could have done this or that or keep thinking what if...
I think Mummy has to accept now, we will need to get a headstone for your grave and perhaps that represents that we accept that you died. The word 'died' - Mummy could not use it until now, I was using words like 'passed away' or 'not with us any more'. Mummy will write about you, but Mummy is going to address it to others. This blog was for you and Mummy will finish writing here hoping that it would help you to go to heaven without having to worry about Mummy clinging on. You go my baby, go to heaven because you never did or think anything bad to deserve to go elsewhere. Mummy will pray for you and will keep doing things for charities and write in memory of you. I love you forever, goodbye Billy Buuz. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Mummy's birthday

It's been a week since the last blog message. A lot happened. Your brother's nursery organised the Bear Hunt which was excellent. 70 seat bus went in the morning and afternoon to a park and the kids went looking for animals and 'hunting' for the bear. The nursery and the school have been great at helping and putting everything together supporting it all. Another nice thing happened this week was Mummy and Daddy went to New York. Mummy was very excited to go to that continent for the first time. We went on a cruise on river Hudson, saw the sunset above the skyscrapers, went to the UN building and Daddy took Mummy to Mamma Mia in Broadway! I don't think your Daddy would have gone to it, but Mummy wanted the real experience and it was fantastic. Today is Mummy's birthday and we just back, it has been a very long day. This morning we went to the UN building and now we home and Mummy was in a hurry to write here. Mummy came home via the cemetery and lit candles for you, my red headed baby. Mummy almost lost control crying on the plane when we landed, Mummy missed you and had to control myself not to cry. It was a very nice break for Mummy and Daddy but we talked about you and missed you. Your brother and sister were good and behaved themselves with our friends while we were away. Well, to a certain extent. Mummy's friend in rural Mongolia phoned to say Happy Birthday to me and said 'so you are a mother of three now, how are you getting on?'. Mummy didn't realise she didn't know, Mummy lost track of who knows what these days. So Mummy said 'Yes, I had a boy and unfortunately he died'. I couldn't say anything else and I don't think she expected to hear that. She said 'Oh, I didn't know, I assumed good things and never thought about that kind of things. I'm sorry'. Mummy used to call her time to time, but I guess we were busy last few months. She lives in a place called Toson and is one of the coldest place in Mongolia reaching -50'C in winter. Mummy thought it's fair if she called me once in a while because it was me mostly the one who calls. Anyway, Mummy knows how things can be in the countryside, so it doesn't matter our friendship continues and we know that we are there for each other even though we speak to each other once in six months or a year. Mummy had a happy childhood, grew up in a traditional Mongolian round house with my parents and sister. Mummy loved sweeping snow from the top of the ger early in the mornings. You could see who got up already because of the smoke coming out of the chimneys. Mummy secretly used to compete with the neighbours' girls, trying to be the first one already up. In the summer, it was milking the cows first. So we used to get up before the sunrise and milk the cows, make yogurt and clean the house and have a nap in the afternoons sometimes. Mummy memorised English words, read books and played card and board games while looking after sheep and goats in mountains and the deserty parts of western Mongolia. We used to walk all day first and then Mummy learnt to ride a horse. So it was great, Mummy loved galloping and your great grandfather told me once with a smile on his face (clearly he was proud that I was brave enough galloping on a horseback): My daughter, you need to careful when passing neighbours' houses, people will talk about you that you didn't consider others'.
Mummy thought I would take you to these places when you are older and tell you all these stories. Mummy will write them here, so you know all about Mummy's childhood background, completely different from how you and your brother and sister's. Mummy would't have been here if I didn't meet your Daddy. He is a brave man, marrying Mummy (;-)) He is Mummy's other half as they say here, better half(don't tell him that though). Ok, baby boy Mummy'll go to bed now, was a long day, started in New York, jet lagged Mummy should sleep straight away. Nice to be home, nice to be near you and see your brother and sister. Love you all, my babies. X

Daddy's birthday

I know your Daddy doesn't like it when Mummy refers to him as Daddy. I'm sure he would be ok today though. Today's Daddy's birthday and we had a nice lunch out while your brother and sister were at school. We went to bed quite late last night and Mummy went out to get the washing in and saw only one star in the cloudy sky. Mummy started to cry because I thought it was you looking at Mummy and kept Mummy's company in the dark. One of Mummy's friends call you 'My wee star'. So just like everything else I saw you in that star. Mummy held a baby last week for the first time after you passed away. That girl is about the same age as you and Mummy couldn't control my tears and had to give her back. Last time, it was you and Mummy and Daddy held you untill you got cold and more after you died. You died three o'clock in the afternoon and we held you in turns till half six. Mummy cleaned your face and body with the nurse who was very nice. Having so many things attached to you made your skin all sticky and you looked so perfect when you didn't have anything on your face and body. Mummy wrapped you in the nice blanket that I bought before you were born and immediately held you against my chest and had a sobbing cry. Mummy didn't expect to hold you dead like that, it shouldn't have happened, you are supposed to outlive your Mummy and Daddy, but not this way. Mummy remembers going into the funeral directors the next day and said 'I'm here to arrange my baby's funeral' and burst into crying. Your Daddy was just behind me coming in after parking the car. Today, Mummy felt sad that you couldn't celebrate Daddy's birthday, but you are here with us all the time. Your sister signed the card from the three of you including you. So, you see, you are here but not physically. Your brother's nursery is doing the bear hunt on Wednesday. We got some nice things for the kids. So that they can have fun and we can raise some money for Yorkhill. Hope this will help with other families to be happier together and make their life even tiny bit easier. We are so grateful to everyone who were and are there for us and you. Some people say you might not want people around you etc, but Mummy does. The thing is these people were there for us when we needed them, why should I not want them now. I know people might want to give me some space etc, but I am a strong enough person to say 'no' if I don't feel like it. Anyway, Mummy'll go and do some work now, will go and light a candle at your grave on the way home. X

Mummy's secret...

Mummy is doing ok and coping well according to people. Sure, Mummy is not showing her tears or getting too upset in front of people. Mummy has this blog to get everything out of my chest, and cry while writing. So it is helping Mummy to be stronger for your Daddy, brother and sister. Mummy tries to look good, so that it helps how Mummy feels inside. You wouldn't have wanted Mummy crying all the time, you would have been happy if your Mummy looked nice just like your brother and sister. Your sister said once when she was little 'You are beautiful, Mummy. You have nice white teeth and no wrinkles'. :-)
It made Mummy laugh, I don't know if she can say that now though. Now Mummy's got wrinkles, deep ones since you died. Mummy's grateful in a strange way that you were born through section. I have the scar and it makes me feel you left your mark on Mummy and it's nice. When I miss you I touch it, it was your entrance to the world, to the strange big world. You didn't stay long, yet had a very hard time. Perhaps, some people would never experience what you and us all went through. I hope fewer people do. I wouldn't want it to anyone, but life is life we never know what's around the corner.
Mummy and Daddy keep your things in our room, your pram, clothes, toys and bath. Your Daddy said we will keep them for years. Some people think Mummy and Daddy can still have another baby. Some people think another baby would replace you. Well, nobody will ever replace you, you are our Billy and you have your own place and space in our hearts and souls. It was very hard for Mummy and Daddy to keep you alive for our sake just before you died, it was not fair to you. You had two feeding tubes in one side of your nose and a ventilator on the other. You had a catheter and a draining tube coming out of your tummy. You were only tiny and yet had so much to put up with. You were a very brave boy and I'm sorry that we lost you and we miss you badly. Oh, Mummy just heard a little birdie outside. Perhaps, you sent a message not to cry. Your brother's footsteps on the stairs coming up. So Mummy will pretend Mummy's just blowing her nose. Your brother has been a good boy and your sister has been a good big sister as usual. So Mummy'll go and spend some time with them now. Mummy's Buuz, you are. I called you 'buuz' which means a dumpling in Mongolian. Mummy made some for your funeral with your Papa. People liked them. Of course, Mummy put one in your coffin and your sister made one with clay and put it in there too. Love you, Buuz. X

Up and down

Mummy couldn't sleep well last night. I wish I could see you in my dreams. I saw you only once in my dream and you were about to walk and couldn't see mummy because mummy was just behind you. Then mummy woke up before seeing your face, your eyes. I wished I didn't wake up then, wanted to see you just one more time. When you were born, you were daignosed with Down's syndrome and it was a big shock to all of us. It didn't mean we didn't love you, we were not prepared for that news, that's all. It was hard and mummy felt like defending you and protecting you from people. I know they were just themselves didn't know what to do or say. Mummy still preferred to have cards saying 'Congratulations' or 'New Baby' because some people sent cards with messages saying how sorry they were to hear the news. I know they were being nice, but you were a new baby first and foremost. Mummy felt like taking you somewhere that nobody can treat you differently and promised to myself that I would do everything I could do and didn't matter what I had to go through. I remember one or two people said 'Perhaps people weren't notice Billy has Down's syndrome because of your background'. What an earth made them think like that? Is it because the term 'Mongoliod' supposed to be related to Mongolian nationality?! I don't think so, I am prepared to put up with a lot, but not an insult. Not all my kids look like as if they have Downs. Mummy took all sort of things from people when you were in hospital. In Yorkhill, this sister said mummy's name wasn't Scottish enough. Do you know what? Mummy did not care, but it made mummy angry when she overdosed your medicine by mistake. Sure, everyone makes a mistake, but not like this one. She was a two faced person, she was so nice to mummy when there were others around, but she was not when it was just her, me and you. Mummy thought as long as you were ok, it didn't matter how I was treated. The next day, you ended up in the intensive care. What a coincidence, eh?! Mummy will see how things are. At the end of the day, mummy will go miles and miles for her babies doesn't matter how they look and where they are, alive or dead. You are mummy's baby and mummy will do what I think is right. Just now, Mummy's too upset, so I'll continue later. Love you. X

Feels as if it's a dream...

People say to us 'You've been through the mill'. Yes, that is actually exactly how it felt like and now we are exhausted emotionally, shocked that you are gone and have to accept you are not coming back. You are not coming back. Mummy experienced the tears cutting my cheeks when you died, I felt this stinging feeling in my cheeks and really deeply understood how it happens and why it happens. Mummy knew now that these expressions exist because other people went through similar experience. Mummy feels very old after you've gone, it seems life is so short and you have to make the most of it. Life is a strange thing. Mummy used to beleive in karma, but now I can't tell you I do any more. All mummy did or does is wish people good and to be happy, I can't think of anything to deserve to get my baby taken away from me. Carrying you for months and picturing you playing at the beach putting sand in your eyes or rescuing your ice cream from midges, picking up the leftover food from the carpet and of course winding your brother and sister up, too. Your sister said ' Mum, you can't do what you were going to do now. You wanted three children in each stage of their lives, one in secondary, one in primary and one at toddler's'. Then she cried, perhaps mummy shouldn't have talked about you like that, because mummy can't take you to toddlers' group now. We will have to get on with what we have now and thinking of the future with you but in a different way. People ask 'how many children have you got?'. Mummy is finding it very difficult to answer, but mummy says 'three' which is true. It feels like strumming a vulnerable string inside me every time when someone asks a question which I'm not prepared for. Mummy is happy to talk about you, all day and night and more. It's just the unpreparedness makes it difficult sometimes. I'm so glad that Mummy's got this blog here, I can just write and write and write without having to worry about offending people, putting pressure on them to feel sorry for us, or fix anything. It is just mummy being mummy and decided to talk about it instead of hiding my feelings and pretend that I'm doing well or not doing well. This is your mummy and you changed mummy for the better and stronger person, mummy is so grateful that you were born to be my baby because you gave me the biggest present in life - to embrace life and enjoy it. Love you, your snuffly mummy X